Ke$ha on SNL (Part 1)

It’s not every day that you get to witness an abomination.  No, it’s a rare thing, like a comet shooting across the sky, a classy girl from Piscataway, or a double rainbow.  See, the Ashlee Simpson thing was an isolated incident; she Milli Vanilli-ed her SNL performance but that was more of “she got caught” while others get away with it.  Every now and then you’ll get a musician artist performer person like Ke$ha, who is so astoundingly bad at her job that one has to stop, pause, think to themselves, “holy shit, is this really happening?” and then analyze just how, exactly, someone has come to this point in their lives.   So come, let us analyze Ke$ha’s agonizing performance of “Your Love Is My Drug” on Saturday Night Live, which is more offensive to me than any Sinead O’Connor ever did.

Using the same format from my grape lady post, I’m going to go through her entire performance from April 17 (a day that will live in infamy) like some obscene written commentary, writing point by point about this gross slap in the face to music and the intelligence of man en general.

0:00 – Maybe I’m just looking at this as a shallow male who has grown up with a bevy of attractive pop stars, but Ke$ha is no Britney Spears.  She’d barely make the cut in Dream.  This would not be an issue if she was in any way talented.  Oh, wait, you haven’t seen this yet.  We’ll get to that point.  A few times.

0:06 – Ryan Phillipe couldn’t be more displeased that he’s introducing Ke$ha, to perform again (while this is the first in the series, this is the least-shitty performance she gave, hence it being first while chronologically coming last).  Then again, Ryan Phillipe couldn’t be more displeased at his life since the 2000s began.

0:11 – Ok, what the shit is this about.  Why does Ke$ha look like a glow-in-the-dark Predator?

0:16 – And what does looking like said glow-in-the-dark Predator have anything to do with a song called “Your Love Is My Drug?”  It’s not, “Your Love Is Like A Leaking Glow Stick That I Decorated My Body With For Some Unknown Reason.”

0:23 – Is this the point when the different members in the band ask themselves, “is the paycheck really worth this?” or does that come later?

0:43 – Successful choreography = moving your arms up and down like a windmill.

0:46-1:00 – Oh, I see why she’s dressed up like a lightning bug orgy, because she can’t sing for shit.  That’s good.  It’s not like that chorus doesn’t come back a few times.

1:10 – Damn, Key-Tars are awesome.

1:15-1:36 – The only thing Ke$ha (yes, I’ll refer to her like this, with the dollar sign, for all of eternity, thank you very much) did in the last minute and a half was walk backwards a little bit and she is winded like she ran a marathon.  I swear to god she smokes “KOOL” cigs by the pack just so she can turn to her friends and go “isn’t it ironic?”

1:42 – I can’t seem to get a job in the entertainment industry, but I’m sure I could look Ke$ha in the eyes and say, “as long as you keep putting your arms up in the air as you completely miss the opening note of ‘Your Love‘ that no one will notice” and get paid millions of dollars for it.  Also, it doesn’t actually work.

1:50 – You can’t say that she isn’t a musician – look at her playing the AutoTune.  Yes, I did just say that.  And the scary part is that’s what they actually want us to think.  And we mourn the death of the record industry….

2:07 – The smooth transition from AutoTune mic to cordless-on-a-stand-mic is flawless.  And Pluto is still a planet.

2:13 – For whatever reason, I’ve heard this song a shitload of times on the radio and the line “hey, do you wanna have a slumber party in my basement?” never really stuck out to me.  But for some reason, having an actual human being relate those words to me in song makes me want to never look another person in the eyes again.  What have we wrought?

2:18-2:26 – Not sure what point Ke$ha is trying to make here about her love.  If only she was more definitive.

2:30 – How do you know it’s bad?  When they bring out the fireworks.  Literally.  I’m sure they would’ve brought in an elephant if the Bronx Zoo allowed it.  Anything to take their minds off of this back alley abortion they’re trying to convince us is a musical performance.

2:50 – I could not, would not, hit that note.  I would not, could not on a boat.  I would not, could not on my knees.  I would not, could not with 12 chance-ees.  (Shut up – it’s still better than the fucking “slumber party” line.)

3:07 – UGH.  WHY.  The eyebrow raise is the cherry on top of this douche chill sundae.

3:09 – Awkward silence.

3:17 – And as the monkeys clap because the “APPLAUSE” sign directs them to do so, what is going through Ke$ha’s mind?  That she had a great show?  That she “killed it?”  Luckily, we have a great insight into what batshit thoughts roam in that vacuous head of hers thanks to commentary in her other SNL performance of “Tik Tok,” fresh on the agenda for tomorrow.  Please come back, and then immediately listen to The Kinks or something to cleanse your good taste palate.  In the mean time, if you have any comments about this disgusting display, please feel free to add them in the comments.  It would be appreciated for the good of humanity.

ps

3:21 – She thought she did awesome.

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