Last we left our tone-deaf heroine, she had just successfully pulled off the weirdest tribute to laser tag, Predator, and glow-sticks that anyone has ever seen. While strangely riveting, it just didn’t show off enough of Ke$ha the performer. Luckily, earlier in the evening she performed her giant number one hit, “Tik Tok.” I’m going to warn you now that you should be seated, because there will come a point where she will blow your mind.
Now follow me down into the abyss which is Ke$ha – Part II.
0:00 – Ke$ha photo – kinda hot. I’ll give it to her. Show me leg and a modicum of face, I’m in.
0:06 – Did you know that Cruel Intentions came out in 1999? With that said, name one movie Phillippe has been in since. I dare you.
0:10 – …what is going on behind her?
0:15-0:27 – Let’s slow it down, folks. It only seems like a song about getting constantly boozed up and partying literally all of the time, but it’s actually a plea for the Sudanese.
0:34 – And now we’re raising our hands to stop the senseless genocide that is perpetr–
0:43 – ….
0:50 – I enjoy how my reaction was met with that of the audience. Stunned, slack-jawed silence. At least we now know that Ke$ha loves the stars and bars, and ridiculous Flying Squirrel-inspired patriotic attire.
0:56 – She had her arms out straight (Jesus Christ Pose) for a good 15 seconds…because she had to drop her hands down on “city.” This is a good palette test for the rest of her choreography. It seriously…well…exists.
1:02 – Um…why is the band in giant globe-like headwear?
1:05 – More great choreography. It took Ke$ha 31 seconds to go back to the well of “raise the right hand…raise the left hand.” It’s all she’s got (NSFW).
1:07 – In a fit of dancing excitement, Ke$ha pops the “p” in “peticure” which distracts just for a second the advent of choreographed group dancing with two assuredly alien dancers wearing fabric from the set of a Ma$e video (DO YOU SEE THE CONNECTIONS?!?!?!).
1:10 – 1:30 – When I showed this to my friend Wes, he quipped, “this is the most expensive high school talent show performance of all time.” I give you exhibit A. Or really, like exhibit L cause christ this is god awful. The “dead robot arm” in synch is my favorite part, for the record.
1:50 – It’s at this point where I wonder, “what does dancing aliens, the American flag, and catsuits have to do with this song?” Which is funny, because at no point did Ke$ha or her people wonder, “what do dancing aliens, the American flag, and catsuits have to do with ANYTHING REMOTELY CONNECTED TO WHAT IS GOING ON?”
1:54 – Yes, please bring back the choreographed dead robot arm. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.
1:55-1:57 – Oh, wait, no. Carrying the wonderful robot arm into pantomiming drinking beer with your hand while saying “we’ve got plenty of beer” is officially all I ever wanted. And look at that, I didn’t even know. Love is funny sometimes, ain’t it?
2:05 – Now she’s Batman.
2:06 – And now she sounds like Betty Boop. Ke$ha is literally everything.
2:28 – We follow awesome side-to-side dancing into the breakdown that actually seems to breakdown. I’d say someone fix the tape, but for some reason they wanted to burden our ear drums with a live mic. Fuck you, Ashlee Simpson. You don’t know the ripples you cause.
2:30 – Ok, we’re back to the chorus, which hopefully means that we’ll be back to the same routine as before, which…there we go. Good things come in threes. YOUR A ROBOT AND YOUR ARM IS BROKEN WHAT DO WE DO WHO HAS IMAGINARY OIL TO FIX’ER RIGHT UP
2:48 – How much does the drummer get paid for wearing an alien helmet that would look ridiculous on Andre The Giant?
3:05 – And the laser harp! We can’t forget the laser harp! She’s pulling out all the stops…except for, y’know, stopping and saving the very country her mic stand is sworn to protect. The irony. It’s as thick as this bullshit.
3:10 – …what?
3:10 – …seri…?
3:10 – Ok. Ok, I’m going to write this out so I can wrap my head around this. “Did you ever stop to think maybe we are the aliens?” …No. I can’t say I ever have. I have no idea to who or what she is referencing (the aliens to who?). Is she talking about Mexicans? Cause we’re immigrants…and the flags…but then she has actual aliens…so they are the aliens, right? Unless they landed here first…is she a Scientologist? But if…. Wait. I’m missing stuff, like organized “up in the air” clapping.
3:36 – Notice, as she reaches back for her microphone, that she has a hands-free mic right on the side of her face. Also take note that she has worn this for the duration of her performance. So her awkwardly reaching back for the mic? Let’s say…superfluous.
3:41 – Glittery streamers. Naturally.
3:54 – Can’t not do the robot arm. It’s an impossibility.
4:09 – Strong close, from the ol’ reliable fastball which is robot arm into a pose. Works every time.
So what have we learned from this process?
To perform on SNL, you’ll need PitchCorrect, a state-of-the-art studio, a semi-attractive young girl who needn’t sing nor dance at an amateur level, have her blow your minds with philosophical, nonsensical questions, involve laser harps, black lights, two high school girls to dance with in the background, and a solid stable of 15 seconds of dancing to be repeated over and over.
At this rate, my daughter will be asked to perform in twenty five years merely because she can walk on stage and not shit her pants. I’ll be very proud that day.