W’s Memoirs

There has been a lot of press surrounding the recent publishing of former president George W. Bush’s memoirs, entitled “Decision Points.”  But while we have heard a lot about his heartache as caused by being pegged as a racist by Kanye West, not much about the memoir itself has been discussed.  With that in mind, I contacted the publisher and inquired if I could post some excerpts for my audience.  They obliged, even allowing me to put up full chapters.  Which isn’t too difficult, as the entire thing is a picture book.Here is the 13th Chapter of the book, where he is elected to the highest power in America.

I’m elected undisputed king of America.  The king-making ceremony took place in Florida, a mystical land that is ruled by Mickey Mouse, a democracy-loving rodent who rules from his castle in the Magic Kingdom.  It might be my favorite foreign country, cause Splash Mountain is the tits.

The attacks and intrigue of 9/11 seemed to obvious to put up, so instead I took this section, chapter 22, where he describes his greatest victory while in power.

I remember when Marian Rivera was stricken with a case of anthrax in the wake of the attacks on September 11th and could not pitch in the deciding game 7 for the New York Yankees.  Joe Torre saw me in the stands and called me to the mound, where I threw a scorching strike to win the World Series for the Yankees.  I’ll always remember looking at Rudy Giuliani and thinking “man, is that guy short.”

Not to be outdone, Bush also fondly remembers winning the Iraq War.

Few days were better than when I singlehandedly landed the crucial plane to win the war in Iraq.  The post-victory uprisings have been steady and fierce ever since that day, but I will always fondly recall how the US beat 9/11 masterminds Boris and Natasha and overthrew their communistic rule in the middle east.  Mmmm.  Freedom.  It smells like awesome.

But Bush doesn’t gloss over some of the lower points of his reign.  Here, he describes his state of mind after that now-legendary attack from Mr. West:

Austin Powers was trying to get money for all the poor black people in Katrina, an effort that I fully supported by putting together a FEMA group for it.  Then, out of nowhere, Conway West just barges in on his hate ship full of hateness and says I’m a racist.  That’s clearly untrue, and all it did was make America more sad than it already is because of some beer shortage in New Orleans or something.  Of course, seeing America really sad made me really sad.

Finally, Bush pin-points his biggest adversary in his time at the White House:

I was never more scared than when that errant, fear-loving pretzel tried to take its life and mine by sticking itself in my throat.  That little fucker choked me out like it was trained by the Gracie family.  After it knocked me unconscious and made me hit my head on my important person desk, I had the entire Utz family brought up on treason charges.  Guantanamo never had a better snack food selection.

A very intriguing look at a best seller.  Many thanks to RandomPublisher for allowing me to reproduce these sections.  I hope they were as illuminating to you as they were to me.

Photo credit goes to my good pal Brian Happ, who doesn’t even check his fucking email, so I can’t give him any credit other than this piece of italicized text.  No twitter, no site, no nothing.  So good job, Brian, who will probably never read this.

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